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risebeforethesun
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Name: Amanda
Birthday: 10/5/1989
Gender: Female
Interests: music..i love old rock,...guitar...writing.
the dead, radiohead, phish, the beates, incubus, tom petty, bob marley, crp, a perfect circle, ben kweller, ben folds, pink floyd, blue oyster cult, led zepplin, the fuggees, tool, DMB, oasis, lynryd skynyrd, elton john, blues travlers, eric clapton, nirvana, fleetwood mac, stone temple pilots
Occupation: Student
Industry: Other
Message: message me
ICQ:  292998296
Member Since:
8/1/2003
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i sit in a chair in the dark at times, when im feeling like the world is about to cave in on me. there is a certaint spot that i always look at whenever i sit in that chair, thats in the dark, that i can throw everything that is on my mind onto this little space on my wall, that always seems to understand, and always gets me through that day. that chair was broken by something that no one can explain. ive tried to many times, as well as everyone else, but it is too powerful for anyone to come close to it. i still try to look at my little space on my wall sometimes, but its never been the same since that day that my chair was broken. so i decided to grab a cushion off another chair to sit on and hopefully be able to look at my wall the same, but it didnt seem to help. i tried to get over that fact that my chair was broken, and that it was never coming back to me, and that i would eventually have to find another chair to replace the old one, but i couldn't do it. it seemed to be that if i were to do that, then it wouldn't feel the same as that old chair that used to be placed in the center of this room, where all my life and involment went to, and it just seemed to me like there are nothing left. there was no other chair that would be able to replace this chair, that meant so much to me, that chair kept me going each and every single day, that i was able to sit in and look at the spot on my wall, and be able to let everything go, and be the person that i am, and not have to hide anything from anyone, and i knew that my chair and my little spot on my wall wouldnt judge me for, and just accept me for the person that i was. but it seems like now, that my little spot on my wall wants nothing to do with me, as well as my chair that is sitting in pieces across the room. it never left my room, there was no way that i would be able to let it go. no matter how hard i tried to pick it up and toss it away, and never think about that chair again, it was too hard, and it sits there and it watches me everyday. i cant escape it. i tried many of times to put my chair back together, in hope that everything would go back to the way that it was before it broke, and i wouldn't have to worry about getting a new one, and have to start all over again, because change is sometimes vey difficult to deal with. but the chair was never able to be fixed. no matter how many times i tried to change it, in thought that it was the perfect chair that i had always thought that it was, there was no way that anyone could fix that chair into being the chair that it was made to be. i layed on my back one day in my room, and looked up at the ceiling, in thought that maybe this would be able to help me, and let me get my thoughts about like i had been wanting to do for such a long time, and hopefully help me out more than my chair and my little spot on my wall that had always been there, and to my surprise it was very releaving. for the next few weeks, i would go lay on my back, in my empty room with my broken chair in the corner and my little spot on my wall that i had always relied on to help me through my days, and i was finally able to breathe again, and lye on my back and look up at the ceiling and be able to put a smile on my face, and a sigh of relief that i had finally overcome something that everyone thought would never be okay. to this day, i was finally able to throw my old chair out, and put a sheet over my little space on my wall, not to remind me of something that meant so much to me, that i will never be able to have again, and im capable of finding out other ways to make myself happy, and put my chair and my little spot on my wall in the past. | | |
| so i went home sick today, i threw up like 4 times today, and it sucks....oh well...and ive had a lot of time to really sit and think about things, and i cant get past the fact of how fucking hard life really is...there are so many things that happen that you have no control over, and it sucks because all i want to do is make things better.
*i get my lisence in less than a month now, which is sweet as hell...i cant wait...hopefully my car will be fixed before then....(if you didnt know, yes i did wreck my car about a week ago, and i did $5000 worth of damage to it...which sucks...but shit happens...
-i guess now, the only way for me to go is up...so hopefully things are gonna be looking up for me soon....
*i broke my phone the other day....ive been wanting to break it for a long time because its a piece of shit. and the other night was the perfect opportunity to do it...haha so i did...and now i have to wait to get paid to get a new one.....
-yes i did finally get a job...i work at the boston beanery now...and i love it! probablly one of the best things thats happened to me in a while...
*i did get a new cell phone number its 615-0346 soooo if you've been trying to call me and not been able to reach me....now ya can!
-julie and brian bought a pop up tent for Bonnaroo...we're lazy and the three of us trying to set a tent up, would be impossible....haha....
and it's been a while
since i could hold my head up high
and it's been a while since i first saw you
and it's been a while
since i could stand on my own two feet again
and it's been a while since i could call you
and everything i can remember
as fucked up as it all may seem
the consequences that are rendered
i stretch myself beyond my means
I know I've been mistaken
But just give me a break I try to breathe
Memories overtaking me
I try to face them but
the thought is too
Much to conceive
And see the changes that I’ve made
I've got some imperfections
But how can you collect them all
And throw them in my face
I feel betrayed
Stuck in your ways
And you rip me apart
With the brutal things you say
I can't deal with shit anymore
I just look away | | |
| well....i guess that you could say that my life's gotten 10x better within these few weeks. a lot of things have changed...for the good...there was just a few things that were holdin me back...
*Bonnaroo is gonna be the most amazing thing in the world!
I know what you're doing
I see it all too clear
I only taste the saline
When I kiss away your tears
You really had me going, wishing on a star
But the black holes that surround you
Are heavier by far
I believed in your confusion
You were so completely torn
Well it must have been that yesterday
Was the day that I was born
There's not much to examine
There's nothing left to hide
You really can't be serious
If you have to ask me why
I say good-bye...
'Cause I am barely breathing
And I can't find the air
I don't know who I'm kidding
Imagining you care, and I could stand here
Waiting a fool for another day
But I don't suppose it's worth the price
Worth the price, the price that I would pay
Everyone keeps asking, what's it all about?
I used to be so certain and I can't figure out
What is this attraction? I only feel the pain
There's nothing left to reason and only you to blame
Will it ever change?
But I'm thinking it over anyway...
I've come to find, I may never know
Your changing mind, is it friend or foe?
I rise above or sink below
With every time you come and go
Please don't, you come and go
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| yesterday was a day that ill never forget....me and carey were on our way to pick julie up from work, and we were at the red light by speedway, when an ambulance came flyin down the road, and the car in front of carey moved and carey moved, but there still wasnt any room for the ambulance to move, so carey went ahead and started goin through the red light when all of a sudden this car comes down lexington ave. and was going 50 miles an hour and plowed right into us....the car hit on my side, and we spun like 3 times and ended up on the sidewalk by cvs.....careys car was totalled, the cops came and checked everything out, and the car that hit was a stolen car, and the driver had dissapeared, the keys were still in the car, but he was no where to be found....me and carey road in another ambulance to the hospital to get checked out, but we are fine.....carey has a brusied bone on her leg and a brusied sternum and back and neck, and i have a brusied sternum and a strain in my back and neck and a bump the size of a golf ball on the back of my head....but other than that we are good...im just glad that we came out the way that we did....it could have been a lot worse..i love you carey....and julie sweetie im soooooo sorry that we couldnt be there to pick you up! hhaha i love you.....
On the other hand,....there a little something else that needs to be taken care of....matt, you are a fucking asshole, you are completely different than you used to be, i hate that way that you are now, and i hate the fact that you feel like you have to do as much as possible to hurt me...but its cool...im over it...im havin fun....its just funny that you have to sink so low to go for shandi ward though...i just think that its funny....thats your problem, not mine anymore.....
And shandi..i really thought that you had learned a lesson, not to fuck around like you do, thats really fucked up that you feel like you can do that to people.....you'll learn eventually.. | | |
| its been a while since ive posted last, but within these few short months, my life has completely made a 360, and there is just so much that i wish was the way that they used to be, and so many things that i wish that i could get closure on, and just know that everything is going to be alright, even know it might take some time to heal, that in the end, it will be worth it, and ill actually be able to the person that i am, and not always be upset over something. Its the worst feeling in the world, not knowing whats going on, or when everything is going to work out, and i can go back to being happy.... i feel like my life is on hold right now, and im just waiting for someone to press the play button again, and everything was back to the way that it was....
I thought I saw a man brought to life
He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
He showed me what it was to cry
Well you couldn't be that man I adored
You don't seem to know, don't seem to care what your heart is for
But I don't know him anymore
There's nothing where he used to lie
My conversation has run dry
That's whats going on, nothing's fine I'm torn
I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
You're a little late, I'm already torn
So I guess the fortune teller's right
Should have seen just what was there and not some holy light
To crawl beneath my veins and now
I don't care, I have no luck, I don't miss it all that much
There's just so many things that I can't touch, I'm torn
I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
You're a little late, I'm already torn. Torn.
There's nothing where he used to lie
My inspiration has run dry
That's what's going on, nothings right, I'm torn
I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel
I'm cold and I'm ashamed bound and broken on the
I thought I saw a man brought to life
He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
He showed me what it was to cry
Well you couldn't be that man I adored
You don't seem to know, don't seem to care what your heart is for
But I don't know him anymore
There's nothing where he used to lie
My conversation has run dry
That's whats going on, nothing's fine I'm torn
I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
You're a little late, I'm already torn
So I guess the fortune teller's right
Should have seen just what was there and not some holy light
To crawl beneath my veins and now
I don't care, I have no luck, I don't miss it all that much
There's just so many things that I can't touch, I'm torn
I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
You're a little late, I'm already torn. Torn.
There's nothing where he used to lie
My inspiration has run dry
That's what's going on, nothings right, I'm torn
I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel
I'm cold and I'm ashamed bound and broken on the floor
You're a little late, I'm already torn.
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